Thursday, August 6, 2015

[table] d6 Deadly Pants! Yes, you read that correct.

So I was browsing a few blogs I regularly visit and on +Tim Shorts's awesome Gothridge Manor blog I spotted a link to another blog that had an awesome sounding post:

"Deadly PANTS" I thought it read - I was not wearing my glasses at the time. Sadly, the post was not about pants with a penchant for killing. I was momentarily sad that someone had not come up with some deadly pantage, then I said Fuck it! and promptly made some.

God help you if you find yourself wearing one of these. Roll a d6 bitches.

1 - Thorsberg’s Leggings - Thorsberg was a squirrely fella and liked his pants very tight to “Show my manliness to the ladies” he would proudly proclaim. A natural looking codpiece beneath the groin area makes the wearer appear to be very well endowed. He receives a +2 on all rolls when speaking with women so long as his pants are visible. However, after these pants have been worn for a total of one week the wearer will lose all manly ability to perform for said ladies.

2 - Barbarian Breeches - Historically it was believed that only savages wore pants and some fool mage made these pants, we hope in jest. Upon donning these pants the wearer immediate flies into a barbarian-like rage. This lasts for approximately 2d4 rounds or until the pants are forcibly removed. If the wearer is killed while still wearing the pants, his corpse will continue to rage until the effect’s duration is complete.

3 - Braccae - These pants cover the wearer from the waist to just below the knee. If folded nicely each night these pants will self-clean and deodor themselves. If the wearer fails to remove them in the evening and let the pants ‘air out’ the pants will slowly grow tighter. After one day they will be uncomfortable to wear. After two days they will be painful to wear. After three days the legs will begin to bleed through the pants. On the fourth day the pants will become so restrictive that the wearer will not be able to focus on anything but the pain. The fifth day dead will come for the wearer. Once the pants are on, only a wish spell will remove them.

4- Prandler’s Poofy Pantaloons - These appear to be regular, sturdy leather pants. After they have been worn for four hours there is a 1 in six chance per day the pants will suddenly balloon out to a form a round poofy balloon on each leg. These are so large they restrict movement. After two minutes the air inside the pants becomes lighter than air and will lift - feet first - the wearer upward. The pants can lift over 400 pounds and will continue to do so for one full hour. At the conclusion of one hour the pants will suddenly deflate, dropping the wearer from whatever height they have attained in the last hour.

5 - Knickerbockers - Also known in certain circles as Buttkinkickers, these pants appear to be a pair of elegantly made and expensive trousers. For most purposes they are, until they are worn around someone of importance such as a noble, high ranking clergy, or a powerful demon. They then spring to life and take control of the wearer’s lower legs. The pants will seek out the most high-profile or powerful being it can reasonably reach (including performing leaps far beyond normal human capability, up to 100 feet) and begin to violently kick the being, preferably in the arse. The pants will continue to do this until either the pants are removed (by force), the wearer is slain, or the target is killed. If the pants manage to kill the target of its kicking, they will return behaving as pants should.

6 - Hell’s Bells - These overly large-ending pants are plain white, almost blindingly white. Once worn the wearer will immediately long for the sea and being in smelly, small, and cramped rooms with many men. But that is just where the horror starts. Immediately following these strange desires the pants will literally clang out a resounding tone with every step the wearer takes as if the wearer worn massive brass bells upon their legs. This sound is deafening within twenty feet and carries well over two miles, letting all know exactly where the wearer is located.


  1. Hey Matt - Sorry to post off topic. I'm not on the tablet (where my email is). Anyway, here's a link to someone's rolls that look more subway-style. I think this is what you're looking for but I'm not sure.

  2. Funny and useful.